Everyone in the world probably knows that I’m queer, besides my family (minus my little brother that I tell everything to). I’m not one to hide it. I mean, I’m not sure how my family doesn’t know when they seem to see everything else I post on Facebook. I have a bisexual flag sticker on my laptop! (Though I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t know what that is).
I don’t know why I haven’t come out to my parents. I know they would be accepting, I just feel like they wouldn’t get it. I’ve only ever brought guys home. I’m dating a male appearing person right now. So I haven’t felt the need to tell them.
To me, bisexuality means same gender and other genders. I’m not sure if they would get liking males and females, at the same time. I’m not sure if they would understand other genders. I think this is one thing that’s holding be back.
Yet, sometimes I feel as if I’m hiding such a huge part of who I am from some of the people I’m closest too. I’m so lucky and thankful to have parents who will love and support me no matter what. I just can’t seem to do it. I know I would if I dated someone who didn’t identify as male; that would only be fair to my partner.
Sometimes this secret creates uncomfortable moments. Like this morning, when I was talking to my grandmother and dad about marriage. They mentioned over and over again about how my future partner will be male. Not even in a conscious way, but as if they had only ever considered that as an option. It’s uncomfortable because I have to agree when I really don’t. I don’t like that being my only option. My brother kept giving me looks, wondering what I would say. Considering we were at the rehab center with my grandfather, I figured it wasn’t the time to bring it up.
Sometimes, though, this secret creates funny yet still awkward moments. Usually with my mom. I feel as if she knows and she’s just prompting me to give me an easy chance to tell her. I feel like she doesn’t want to assume anything or make me share anything unless I want to tell her. I have two interesting experiences with her.
One time I was on the phone with her while I was away at college. She mentioned how I had been doing a lot of gay activism and going to a lot of gay events (this was after I posted pictures from the Castro Street Fair in San Francisco). I replied “yeahhhh.” She continued “that’s great, doing it for your friends,” because she knew some of my friends are gay. I replied. “Yeahhhhhhh that’s why.” And then quickly changed the conversation. I could have easily slipped it in then, but I didn’t. It was a funny story to tell my friends, but sometimes I fell like I should have said something then.
Today, my mother and I were talking about how I want to go to SF pride, but I am terrified after the events at Orlando and LA Pride. She said something like “well it’d be different if you were gay (she means about me being so excited to go). I mean, you can go if you’re straight, it doesn’t matter what or who you are. But I’m assuming you’re not into girls too” and then she looked over at me. I then took a huge sip of the coffee I was holding while looking at her for at least five seconds. Eventually, she said “Big sip?” and gave me a questioning look. I set the empty cup on the counter and said “Done!” and then refilled it. It was awkward but honestly hilarious. I just couldn’t find the words to say, hoping my actions would tell her.
I feel like this will be something that I struggle with for a while. I think one day I will find the right moment and the words to tell them. And if I don’t, that’s okay too.
*my thoughts go out to those who are killed each day because of their gender or sexuality. I hope for a world where all of us in the queer community can all feel safe.
** I got the pictures from a folder on my computer that I’ve had forever so I’m not sure exactly where they came from.