Today was different.
Today I woke up to my alarm feeling wide awake instead of exhausted after 7-8 hours of sleep. Today I didn’t feel like I needed coffee (even though I had some anyways). Today I woke up at 4am with my muse giving me a story idea in the form of a dream and forcing me to write it all out right then and there.
Today I talked more in one of my classes than I have the rest of this semester. Today I decided I would read a bunch of news articles to get more informed about current events. Today I held conversations with people that didn’t revolve around how we were suffering. Today I actually wanted to eat food and didn’t eat just because I was hungry.
Today I felt good enough to be more active physically than I have in a while. Today I didn’t take shortcuts to avoid physical activity. Today I didn’t let my laziness or hurt knee stop me from getting things done.
Reflecting on all of this, I was worried because this is not normal for me. I got officially diagnosed as bipolar 2 a few weeks ago (even though I’ve known since the beginning) and finally got my meds back on track after a month or so if taking them every couple of days in hopes that I would survive (but that’s a story for another day). Here we go again into another hypomanic or maybe even a manic phase.
Then I realized; this was actually what it felt like to not be depressed. I had been in that low phase for so long I had forgotten what it was like to function like a normal human being.
My worries and concerns passed through my mind throughout the day like they always do, but they didn’t feel so daunting. I didn’t feel exhausted after working on a million things at work today, or after difficult conversations in class, or after talking with the friends around me. I actually felt inspired to get some stuff done that I had been avoiding for a while.
I feel energized. I feel like I actually want to leave the house instead of hiding out in my room with my roommate. I want to write and my brain keeps giving me the words that I haven’t been able to find in months. I’ve been writing all day and it’s been amazing. I’m actually posting on this blog, which I haven’t done for months.
I know because of the nature of my mental illness that this feeling won’t last, but I hope it does for a while and I’ll enjoy it while it lasts.
I’m not sure what the point of all this is, but it just feels great to write out. If anything, I hope this encourages people to go to a psychiatrist or therapist if you are feeling low all the time. Sometimes meds don’t work, and they have failed me in the past, but they’re doing me wonders right now.
Today I decided I wasn’t going to let my mental illnesses control me.
I think I’ll be sharing my story through therapy and medicine soon so look forward to that!
*cover photo was taken from colorfully.eu*